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Micro-budget, half-baked monster twaddle RELEASED IN 2012 and written/directed by Jason Horton, "Monsters in the Woods" is a micro-budget flick (costing a mere $30,000) about – you guessed it – monsters in the woods of Southern California that an indie film crew experience while shooting a B-horror flick. I like the diverse ethnic cast, which is refreshing, but the shaky, sometimes unfocused, cam gets tedious after a while. There are a few good-looking women. I also like the monsters, which are half-spider/half-human and impressively diabolic all things considered (it’s eventually explained WHY they’re so diabolic-looking). The first act is quite amusing as it parodies the trials & tribulations of a B-horror shoot in the sticks. Near the end of the first act, however, one of the main protagonists abruptly buys the farm and the reaction of the cast & crew is unconvincing but, then, I guess it’s supposed to be a joke anyway. The second act introduces two curious characters with head-scratching dialogue but, thankfully, the cool monsters are also introduced. Unfortunately, the proceedings and characters are dull and confusing as written and executed. Things finally perk up in the last act with revelations about what's really going on, but it can't save the flick from being what it is: half-baked. There's enough good here for a quality monster-in-the-woods horror movie, but Jason Horton needed to take the time to work the kinks out in the story/script, specifically in the second and final acts. George Romero did this with his original "Night of the Living Dead" (1968) and it remains a selling masterpiece to this day. The lesson? Don't rush off into the woods to shoot a horror flick with cast & crew, low-budget or not, UNTIL you have a well-written, comprehensible story with interesting characters. Otherwise you're just wasting your time and the time of anyone who might view your work. THE MOVIE RUNS 84 minutes and was shot in Fawnskin, San Bernardino National Forest (exteriors) and Malibu, California. GRADE: C-/D+
Young newlyweds Paul and Bea travel to a remote lake cottage for their honeymoon, where the promise of private romance awaits them. Shortly after arriving, Paul finds Bea wandering and disoriented in the middle of the night.
In rural Louisiana, 11-year-old Sabine's widower father misses Ash Wednesday Mass, so she pushes him to give up drinking for Lent. He breaks his vow, evoking the wrath of the ROUGAROU, a mythical bayou beast who punishes bad Catholics. Now Sabine has to step up to save him from the monster or risk losing her only living parent.
An expedition in the South Pacific lands on a tropical island where the natives worship the mysterious deity Gappa. An earthquake opens up an underground cavern and a baby reptile is discovered inside. The natives warn the foreigners to leave the hatching alone, but they don't listen and take it back to a zoo in Japan. Soon after, moma and papa Gappa start smashing Tokyo looking for their kidnapped child.
Hulking and vicious homicidal maniac Jon Beest hears voices that compel him to brutally butcher women. He dumps their bodies on the side of the road on the New Jersey Turnpike. It's up to troubled NYPD Homicide Detective Lloyd to catch Beest and put an end to his campaign of terror.
Archaeology students searching for stolen art discover a lost Nazi bunker guarded by something terrifying. Now, they must run for their lives as the hideous beast hunts them down.
In New York City, detective Luigi Mackeroni investigates a string of mysterious penile mutilations at the Hotel Quickie. After Mackeroni attempts to have a tryst with a gigolo he meets in the lobby, a carniverous condom bites off his right testicle and flees, which sets the detective off on a quest to stop the predatory prophylactic once and for all.
Three short stories linked by a stray cat that roams from one tale to the next, in this creepy triptych that begins as Dick tries to quit smoking by any means necessary. Next, we meet Johnny, an adulterous man who's forced by his lover's husband onto a building's hazardous ledge. Finally, Amanda is threatened by an evil gnome who throws suspicion on the family cat.
A young woman searching for her missing friend is lured into the basement of a serial killer where we are witness to his collection of gruesome video tapes.
